stfusnotty
Oh coconuts
First and foremost, the kitten I had in elemntary school. I loved that thing so much that I could dare to say I loved it more then life itself. I believe it was 4th or 5th, so it was pretty much the only friend I had. What's sad is I don't even remember what I named it, but I still know exactly which tree it is under now. My Dad stepped on it, see. Snapped it's neck. We rushed to the vet and all I can really remeber is yelling at it that it'd be okay, we're going to the vet and oh God the way meowed and the way its head rolled. It was errie, and it frighntened me. I was so scared of losing that kitten, and it got put to sleep later on that day.
I thought I'd never get over it. And seeing as I'm sitting here practly bawling, I guess I'm still not.
I found a picture of him, I guess that's why. I wish God hadn't taken it from me, but then again what if it is just waiting for me in heaven? Jeez, I hope so.
That all made me think of Big Bill, which is prolly the second time in my entire life that I was really truely devistated. He had a heart attack working on the trail, I was only a few miles away and he was dead before he hit the ground. I admired that man so much, he never ever yelled, even when I'd done wrong. you know what? He is still the best man I have ever known. Sure, there are several who come real close but... he will always have that spot. I honestly believe there were few men like him to ever grace this earth. Again, I wish God had not taken him. I was never given a chance to say goodbye. He always told me I was beautiful, that I was a good kid and I'd be something. Be someone. But look at me now, look at all of my mistake and shortcomings.
Big Bill would be so displeased. I wonder if he is waiting on me too.
Then there comes the time that I knew my mom was sleeping in the park. It was a cold night, Cat was over and I didn't take her a blanket like I said I would. What a horrible daughter. I cried myself to sleep over that for a good many nights, I felt so bad. Not only because I'd just left her stay cold but because that really ment that mom wasn't living with us anymore. She was really gone, but not gone. Somewhere lost inbetween here and elsewhere. I still can't believe how long she was homeless and how helpless I was. I coulnd't help her and that killed me. I still feel like I could have done SOMETHING to help her, but I don't know what. Surely someone I knew had at least a couch for her to crash on. Momma I'm sorry you were so cold that night. I truely am sorry that I let you down.
She's back now, living at home. Has been a few months now, but it's just not the same. I got what I wanted, my momma and my sister and look at us now. Dad is struggling so hard to support them and it just makes me so mad at all three of them. I feel like it's my fault for praying so hard to have a family again. Maybe we just do not belong together. MAybe that's why I don't stay at home.
This other time, I had to tell my momma that her mom was dead. Had been for some two or so months. It ate me alive that she didn't know, it ate me alive when she cried on the phone and most of all that my goddamned family would leave something like that for a 15 year old to have to deal with. Who was I to have to deliver such news? I had to do it though, Dad asked me to and there was no way I would take another phone call and avoid it. That was miserable.
Now, my current hurt. That bitch of an asian. The bane of my fucking existance, Oudom Sen.
How did he get away with what he did? I don't understand what made me do it and I still don't. I don't understand why I love/d him so much and why this still hurts so badly. It was only three months, and the first two were great. Wonderful, dandy, joyous, I was estatic, he was estatic and then it just suddenly dropped down hill very, very fast. Like a rollercoaster. I'd never been so hurt by one single person in my whole life, save my mother. My world flipped, litterlly, and I looked to smoking and drinking to escape it. I still don't know why. I knew it was prolonging the pain even though when I was drunk/high/whatev it was suddenly washed away for a little while. Suddenly, it was fine. Who cared?
Well, I'm sure paying for that now. I can't stand how I throw myself into relationships so hard.
I give them everything I have. I gave him everything. He was my everything and damnit, I had intended to at least stay with him a long time.
It seems to be that everything that should have been really great in my life gets snatched away.
I'm recalling sometime when Bobby G talked about being angry at God.
I get it now, being angry at Him. I am, I'm mad at him for all the pain I've gone though, all the years of suffering. I can't forgive him, I'm scared to forgive him or maybe I'm just to weak of a person to ever forgive anyone, truely.
I feel wothless. I know that I am not.
But... oh man, do I feel it.
It seems that my worset pain is when I'm completely helpless.
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Man, why am I such a bitch?
I feel horrable about a boy but like, at the same time I don't because people want us to be together anyway. And I knew him first anyway.
What to do, what to do.
I'm feeling really fat and ugly because I ate a shiton this weekend. :/
How can I expect anyone to think well of me if I can't even think well of myself? Why am I letting myself gain my weight back? I want to be skinny. I hate this stupid big fat body.
I bet people are lying when they say i'm not fat, I know because well, you know we all lie to our friends. Everyne does.
Because everyone is so afraid of hurting someone else's feelings.
idk what i'm getting at. I'm miserable.
Someone hold me, please. I don't understand this battle going on in my own heart.
I can't say what I'm wanting to say.
I really hate myself. I'm lonely.
He's just right, but you know. There's no happy ending for me ever, oh no, there's always someone else in the way.
Or I just can't bring myself around to admitting being head over heels.
Yeah, I still miss Oudom. But it's going to be okay. Really, it's so much better now.
And I just realised that there is a boy that's been there for me for oh I'd say, about two years now, that is just right. I thought about it before, but not seriously.
Now I feel serious. This could be someone just for me.
I came to this conclusion when I realised just how much it bothers me when she flirts with him... It really gets to me. Such a selfish little thing, why am I like this? Why do I need people all to myself?
I'm to scared to let him know, and even if I wasn't I wouldn't know how to say it... Why is everything so complicated?
I don't want to break someone else's heart that I know really likes me, I don't want to hurt a friend who I know likes the "one for me" boy, and most of all I don't want to go getting myself hurt.
Oh, I hate this. Get happy please, world.
I feel horrable about a boy but like, at the same time I don't because people want us to be together anyway. And I knew him first anyway.
What to do, what to do.
I'm feeling really fat and ugly because I ate a shiton this weekend. :/
How can I expect anyone to think well of me if I can't even think well of myself? Why am I letting myself gain my weight back? I want to be skinny. I hate this stupid big fat body.
I bet people are lying when they say i'm not fat, I know because well, you know we all lie to our friends. Everyne does.
Because everyone is so afraid of hurting someone else's feelings.
idk what i'm getting at. I'm miserable.
Someone hold me, please. I don't understand this battle going on in my own heart.
I can't say what I'm wanting to say.
I really hate myself. I'm lonely.
He's just right, but you know. There's no happy ending for me ever, oh no, there's always someone else in the way.
Or I just can't bring myself around to admitting being head over heels.
Yeah, I still miss Oudom. But it's going to be okay. Really, it's so much better now.
And I just realised that there is a boy that's been there for me for oh I'd say, about two years now, that is just right. I thought about it before, but not seriously.
Now I feel serious. This could be someone just for me.
I came to this conclusion when I realised just how much it bothers me when she flirts with him... It really gets to me. Such a selfish little thing, why am I like this? Why do I need people all to myself?
I'm to scared to let him know, and even if I wasn't I wouldn't know how to say it... Why is everything so complicated?
I don't want to break someone else's heart that I know really likes me, I don't want to hurt a friend who I know likes the "one for me" boy, and most of all I don't want to go getting myself hurt.
Oh, I hate this. Get happy please, world.
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It's funny, in a way to me, how I'm just fine fine fine fine and dandy one day and who needs boys/girls? Who needs relationsships, and especailly un-fucking-healthy ones like I tend to have and the next day I'm like close to breaking down.
At least I don't cry all time anymore.
But I don't know what to do. I feel worthless and fat and such because I eat to much. Because I'm depressed.
But not always, at least I'm not starving all the time anymore. At least I'm not taking eating off the plan for an entire weekend with him anymore.
Him being Oudom. He made me feel really bad about myself, wether or not he knows it. I don't really care.
But I do. but I don't.
I feel like I'm fucking glued to him.
What happened to my friends? I miss many of them.
And what happened to replacing him asap?
I'll get onto it, I guess. But then again, why do I want to submit myself to getting hurt? Dating hurts. Relationships of all kinda hurt. Life hurts.
I'm making the most of it, though.
I am so lost, someone needs to guide me.
I'm so pathedic, look at me. I'm sitting around in my underoos writing blogs, eating cookies and to make matter even better I'm listening to- ungh- Dashboard confessional and I'm on the brink of crying my eyes out. I AM MOTHER FUCKING PATHEDIC.
He's prolly out with Helen somewhere having a grand ol' time, prolly already to fucked up to function properly and blah blah blah. I cannot help but wonder if he loves Helen. Did he love me? Does he love me? Does he miss me? I miss him alot more than I'd like to let on.
I still lay down at night thinking about him, wishing he was still there... ungh. I knew that he was a big fat mistake for me. A mistake... in more ways than one. Oh, way more ways than one.
That is it. He is getting replaced, asap.
It's happening. Now. This weekend, it's going down.
I just need a plan of action, time to call Cycy.
At least I don't cry all time anymore.
But I don't know what to do. I feel worthless and fat and such because I eat to much. Because I'm depressed.
But not always, at least I'm not starving all the time anymore. At least I'm not taking eating off the plan for an entire weekend with him anymore.
Him being Oudom. He made me feel really bad about myself, wether or not he knows it. I don't really care.
But I do. but I don't.
I feel like I'm fucking glued to him.
What happened to my friends? I miss many of them.
And what happened to replacing him asap?
I'll get onto it, I guess. But then again, why do I want to submit myself to getting hurt? Dating hurts. Relationships of all kinda hurt. Life hurts.
I'm making the most of it, though.
I am so lost, someone needs to guide me.
I'm so pathedic, look at me. I'm sitting around in my underoos writing blogs, eating cookies and to make matter even better I'm listening to- ungh- Dashboard confessional and I'm on the brink of crying my eyes out. I AM MOTHER FUCKING PATHEDIC.
He's prolly out with Helen somewhere having a grand ol' time, prolly already to fucked up to function properly and blah blah blah. I cannot help but wonder if he loves Helen. Did he love me? Does he love me? Does he miss me? I miss him alot more than I'd like to let on.
I still lay down at night thinking about him, wishing he was still there... ungh. I knew that he was a big fat mistake for me. A mistake... in more ways than one. Oh, way more ways than one.
That is it. He is getting replaced, asap.
It's happening. Now. This weekend, it's going down.
I just need a plan of action, time to call Cycy.
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Jenn is staying over.
I'm getting tired of calling people that never call back.
Yepp. Pretty much. Should I move on? I don't know.
I'm getting tired of calling people that never call back.
Yepp. Pretty much. Should I move on? I don't know.
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Shit. Just shit. Eat shit even.
I am so sick of felling like everyone's last resort, I always have been and I fucking want it to stop. For whatever reason, people just make me feel like I'm retarded. I'm mentally challened. I'm socially challened. I'm not really wanted around, and shut the hell up don't tell me that you want me around. Half the people I know say that and then are they ever there for me when I need them? No. I'm always the one that no one hears talking, or interupts, or gets cut off, or doesn't get called, or just don't get responded to.
I'm like a doormat. I want people around me so badly that I'm willing to just let them walk all over me and I put up with it because I just don't stand up for myself. Bottling emotions up, thats me. Breaking down alone, thats me. Why should I put up my phone and talk to anybody, they're to busy with their own lives that I just don;t want to bother them with mine.
Why do I blog? I'm bothering people.
I'm tired of feeling so out of place.
I'm tired of seeing people seem dissapointed in seeing me.
I'm fucking sick of being a mess.
I almost always initiate conversation.
People call me looking for everybody else, and when they are with me they just talk to them or if they aren't they're like... "oh... okay, well do you know where s/he is? No? Well bye."
I'm not a fucking secertary.
Maybe I want to talk to you too. Maybe I wanna hang out. Maybe I'm alone and need a good friend.
Am I the odd one out? Perhaps.
Hello, I'd like to order some self esteem.
And also a side of a better life.
I am so sick of felling like everyone's last resort, I always have been and I fucking want it to stop. For whatever reason, people just make me feel like I'm retarded. I'm mentally challened. I'm socially challened. I'm not really wanted around, and shut the hell up don't tell me that you want me around. Half the people I know say that and then are they ever there for me when I need them? No. I'm always the one that no one hears talking, or interupts, or gets cut off, or doesn't get called, or just don't get responded to.
I'm like a doormat. I want people around me so badly that I'm willing to just let them walk all over me and I put up with it because I just don't stand up for myself. Bottling emotions up, thats me. Breaking down alone, thats me. Why should I put up my phone and talk to anybody, they're to busy with their own lives that I just don;t want to bother them with mine.
Why do I blog? I'm bothering people.
I'm tired of feeling so out of place.
I'm tired of seeing people seem dissapointed in seeing me.
I'm fucking sick of being a mess.
I almost always initiate conversation.
People call me looking for everybody else, and when they are with me they just talk to them or if they aren't they're like... "oh... okay, well do you know where s/he is? No? Well bye."
I'm not a fucking secertary.
Maybe I want to talk to you too. Maybe I wanna hang out. Maybe I'm alone and need a good friend.
Am I the odd one out? Perhaps.
Hello, I'd like to order some self esteem.
And also a side of a better life.
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